breaking up is hard to do
I´ve been here for more than three months now, which officially marks the longest amount of time I have spent away from my home country. As I enter this fourth month of living in Germany and as my first trip back to the states approaches, I feel like I should express my feelings about my time here so far; so bear with me...
I have been trying to find a way to express how I feel about going home. The first thing I came up with is that I don´t feel that I´ve done enough to warrant a trip home, even though I moved half way across the world and have been to 6 countries in the past four months (by the way, how cool is that?). That isn´t just it though, there was something else... and then it dawned upon me this morning that leaving the states was kind of like breaking up with a boyfriend (or girlfriend). The first couple months are hard, and you keep thinking about how it used to be, and feeling like you want to go back. But you have to keep your life moving forward, and somehow it seems to hurt a little less each week. Finally you come to a point where it´s a little awkward because you realize that the person/place that you knew so well, and were at one point so comfortable with, seems more or less like a stranger now; the time and distance has taken a toll on the relationship and you´ve just grown apart. You´ve known all along you can´t go back, but now you don´t really want to.
I realize the expamle may be a little extreme, and I know that I can always go back if I want to, but sometimes a year really can seem like a lifetime. I do still miss everyone back home, and the places too, but the life I lead there seems a little less familiar all the time. What I´m doing now is my life, and I think that is what I am coming to accept. There are still days and entire weeks, where I just don´t think I can be an au pair for 8 more months. But then when it comes to actually think about leaving, I don´t want to give up hope just yet, or the friends that I have made here. I know that I came here for a reason, and I´ve made this big leap, so I owe it to myself to stick it out and see what happens.
With all that said, I am really looking forward to seeing everyone over Christmas, and I know that it will be REALLY hard to leave, but at the same time it might not seem right to stay...
I have been trying to find a way to express how I feel about going home. The first thing I came up with is that I don´t feel that I´ve done enough to warrant a trip home, even though I moved half way across the world and have been to 6 countries in the past four months (by the way, how cool is that?). That isn´t just it though, there was something else... and then it dawned upon me this morning that leaving the states was kind of like breaking up with a boyfriend (or girlfriend). The first couple months are hard, and you keep thinking about how it used to be, and feeling like you want to go back. But you have to keep your life moving forward, and somehow it seems to hurt a little less each week. Finally you come to a point where it´s a little awkward because you realize that the person/place that you knew so well, and were at one point so comfortable with, seems more or less like a stranger now; the time and distance has taken a toll on the relationship and you´ve just grown apart. You´ve known all along you can´t go back, but now you don´t really want to.
I realize the expamle may be a little extreme, and I know that I can always go back if I want to, but sometimes a year really can seem like a lifetime. I do still miss everyone back home, and the places too, but the life I lead there seems a little less familiar all the time. What I´m doing now is my life, and I think that is what I am coming to accept. There are still days and entire weeks, where I just don´t think I can be an au pair for 8 more months. But then when it comes to actually think about leaving, I don´t want to give up hope just yet, or the friends that I have made here. I know that I came here for a reason, and I´ve made this big leap, so I owe it to myself to stick it out and see what happens.
With all that said, I am really looking forward to seeing everyone over Christmas, and I know that it will be REALLY hard to leave, but at the same time it might not seem right to stay...
posted by emily at 9:13 AM
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